Issue No. 3: Ta'lor Pinkston, the Heart Advocate
Pinkston is a licensed social worker, the founder of the Heart Advocate and a major proponent of self-love. Read and reread this interview when you need a shot of joy.
Ta’lor Pinkston is a human ray of sunshine. She has a huge smile, a great laugh and, as I learned over the course of our Zoom conversation, an even bigger heart. So it makes complete sense that she’s known as The Heart Advocate and that it’s her mission to spread self-love to people in Pittsburgh and beyond.
A licensed clinician with a master’s degree in social work, Ta’lor is also the clinical team lead at Healthy Start Pittsburgh, where she works with prenatal and postnatal mothers who are dealing with depression, a cause that’s close to her heart (more on that below). She often participates in panels and does speaking engagements and presentations, reminding everyone she encounters that self-love is a choice we can make every day. “It's about giving yourself the opportunity to choose yourself,” she told me. And, as she also makes clear, she believes self-love is for everyone—it’s not bound by gender, race, sexuality or religion.
Chatting with Ta’lor felt like getting a therapy session and a pep talk at the same time, and I hope you feel that way after you read our discussion, too. (This interview has been edited for length and clarity.)
Name: Ta’lor Pinkston
Age: 34
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
You’re a licensed social worker—was that always your career goal?
“I went to school for performing arts. Then I just wanted to write. I went to college for journalism, but my journalism professor was like, ‘Honey, you’re a creative writer.’ So I switched my major to creative writing, but I needed some electives, and what was available were social work electives. I took them all—they felt right up my alley, and I fell in love with the content of the classes. When I graduated, I decided to get my master's degree in social work, and that felt like my purpose.”
How so?
“It felt exactly like what I do on a personal basis for my friends. I'm the one you talk to—the resource giver, the advice giver, the advocate, the encourager. It just felt so on brand, and I thought I should have gotten my bachelor’s degree in social work, too [instead of creative writing]. But everything connected, because I started a blog after college. That’s how The Heart Advocate began.
“In 2015, I was pregnant and dealing with prenatal depression. I didn’t write for almost nine months. I had a baby book and didn’t even use it. It was a really tough time. But the advice I was given from my therapist is that depression takes from you the things you love and enjoy—and it’s those things you need to combat the depression.
“I didn’t actually start writing again until after my daughter was born, and then sharing my story turned into a Twitter thing. I would do chats on Twitter [talking about my experiences], and then I started recording myself and posting the recordings on Instagram and Facebook. I wanted to help people and share my self-love journey.
“So I got my certification in self-love [from the Path of Self Love School], and once I got it, I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to create a space where I helped people choose self-love as a coping skill for mental health through workshops, presentations, speaking engagements and individual self-love sessions. If I’m invited somewhere, I take it and pour it out wherever I am.
“That’s the shortest way I can share how all of this happened. But it was definitely not the original plan.”
Tell us more about your self-love certification.
“When I did a Google search and found Path of Self Love School, I was like, ‘This is what I need.’ But I couldn’t afford it. So I wrote Christine Arylo [the school’s founder] an email about my story, what I wanted to do with self-love and why I needed the certification, and she gave me a scholarship. Now I try to educate anybody that I talk to about how the foundation of self-love is transparency and vulnerability. If I hadn’t shared my story and been honest about where I was financially, The Heart Advocate wouldn't exist.
“It was one of the hardest certifications or trainings that I've ever been a part of, because it makes you pull out all the things you try to emotionally stuff down. It pulled at me in ways that I did not see coming.”
What does self-love mean to you?
“I believe in what I teach, and what I teach is what I was taught. Self-love is a path that you choose daily. It's advocating for yourself, even when others don't. It’s including yourself on your to-do list—not seeing yourself as less than the other responsibilities that you have in your life. It’s remembering that you matter—listening to yourself, trusting yourself, empowering yourself to have confidence in who you are and who you're becoming. It’s being compassionate with yourself on the journey that you're on—where you are right now, not who you will be. It’s saying, ‘I love myself right now, as I am.’”
That’s powerful.
“When you begin to live it, there’s a lot of isolation, because not everybody's doing it. It goes against what the media tell us and what we’re taught in our households and in some religious spaces and schools. It goes against this perfectionist idea that who you are is broken and not good enough. It's not marketable.
“Self-lovers are rebels. We are going against everything that we've been taught. There's so much talk around self-love being selfish, but it's actually about community and pulling people in. It's not a selfish thing. I want people to have this information. If I got it for free, you deserve to get it for free, too. You shouldn’t have to pay thousands of dollars to know what I know. That's why I have free spaces. I know everybody can't afford mental health treatment.”
How are you reaching those folks?
“I'm professional, but I’m nontraditional. I see self-love as holistic. A lot of mental health is clinical, so it's not as holistic. The Heart Advocate is trying to bridge the gaps and disparities around who deserves self-love. We know Black and Brown folks are not given the same privilege and permission to love themselves—even their access to that information changes.
“I think about who can afford to meet with me for a self-love session vs. who can't. I created [the Facebook group] Healing Over Everything as a safe space to learn more about self-love and mental health and healing. It started out as this group of women who needed to lean on each other and vent, and it turned into this healing, encouraging space. But the comments are where it thrives, because we learn from one another’s experience. If I share a post or a caption, the comments are where the money is.”
You say that “self-love is a coping skill,” and I’m struck by the use of the word “coping,” especially after the individual and collective trauma we’ve all experienced over the past several years. Can you talk more about that?
“In the clinical space, I do a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy. I’m the clinical practice team lead at Healthy Start, where I do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for prenatal and postpartum moms with depression, which is directly relatable to me because I experienced prenatal depression. A major part of CBT is self-esteem and self-care, and they are both extensions of how to practice self-love. To me, that ultimately means self-love is the coping skill.
“But there's more to self-love than just having confidence in who you are and taking care of your mind, body and soul. I don't think clinical spaces know that. There is so much space for it to be a part of [clinical] licensure. People who show up to self-love sessions tell me, ‘I’ve been in therapy for 10 years, and some of this is what I needed all along.’ I see the practice of self-love as a coping skill primarily for depression, anxiety and PTSD, which are the widespread diagnoses that we see [in the mental health field]. The brain is so powerful—it can have you focusing on the possibilities of the future or something that happened in the past. But who you are right now is good enough. If I can get you to focus on that—and learning to love, support, take care of, respect and value that being—maybe you will feel less anxious or less depressed. In fact, you most likely will. It's coping."
That’s so fascinating to think about.
“It's an honor. I don't take it lightly. I feel grateful to have the gifts and the strengths to be able to facilitate the type of support that I do. But I truly am humbled and try to learn from everybody I'm working with. Most of us were not raised in self-love households. We had to learn it in adulthood—through pain, heartbreak, letdown, trauma. We're practicing. We're students. We're all in this together. I'm constantly learning about self-love.”
How do you refill your own cup?
“I rest as much as I possibly can. I have generalized anxiety and depression. These require lifelong coping skills. I have really strong boundaries professionally, and I have to go into my own toolkit and practice what I preach. I wouldn't be able to sustain [myself and my business] if I didn't. I cry when I need to cry. Anybody who works with me has heard me say that I do that. I feel my feelings when I can. If you ask me how I'm doing and I'm not OK, I’ll tell you I'm not OK.”
That’s such a good reminder. So many of us just say, “I’m fine!” when we’re asked how we’re doing. But fine is not a feeling!
“That's why I added the social media piece to The Heart Advocate. I want to take self-love outside of traditional clinical spaces. I want to take it to the bar, to the museum. I want to take it to a festival and be myself in that space and spread some love when it needs to be spread.
“I was advised once to separate my personal and professional social media, and I looked at that person and said, ‘Absolutely not.’ It goes against my mission. I want you to see that I'm a human. I don't want you to have me on this pedestal.”
Tell us more about your boundaries. I think setting them is something a lot of us struggle with.
“I see boundaries as protection. Let's think about them from a mental and emotional space. Without boundaries, I'm people-pleasing. Without boundaries, I'm saying yes to a request without even looking at my calendar. Without boundaries, I am tolerating and allowing disrespect. Without boundaries, I'm burning out and experiencing compassion fatigue. I need boundaries in order to be the social worker that I want to be.
“But it's hard because we're taught to people-please. That's a form of perfectionism. Be there, show up, be on time, be ready, be on, be great—that's problematic a lot of the time. I do believe in fulfillment and working hard, but I have to have boundaries because otherwise I'm trying to be perfect at everything, and then I burn out.
“I see boundaries as an opportunity to listen to myself. But it really does take practice. It's not easy. It's hard, and it's uncomfortable, and you're going to feel guilty—but do it anyway, because you deserve to know that you matter. Boundaries help us prove that to ourselves.”
What’s the best part about living and working in Pittsburgh?
“Pittsburgh is busy. There's so much happening. And somehow you guys find me and you want to talk to me or invite me somewhere, so I have the opportunity to meet new people all the time—to get out of my own comfort zone and try things that I would never try. In those spaces, you meet people who are like you and who are not like you, and I think that’s really cool. There's always some event or festival. There's always something going on in this city, and I love that.”
How about the most challenging?
“Well, from the top down, who is valued here? I happen to know things that are happening around the city, but there are people who look like me and who don't have access to information to know that there's more beyond their specific neighborhood—that there are spaces that stretch you. I believe true self-love comes out of discomfort. If you're comfortable, you're probably not doing the self-love thing. It should feel a little uncomfortable because it's not our typical way of living.
“When you Google ‘self-love,’ even to this day, you probably are not going to see anybody who looks like me or is darker than me or bigger than me. It’s important to me to make sure that Black people and people of color know that they are worthy of self-love.”
Can you talk a little bit about the work you do at Healthy Start?
“Our mission is to reduce infant and maternal mortality in Allegheny County, which is a huge problem. Pittsburgh has been called the least livable city for Black women in the country. Black mothers are a part of that.”
As a mother yourself, what do want your legacy to be for your daughter?
“I just want her to exist. I just want her to be her. I don't want her to feel like she has to be perfect for Mommy. The Heart Advocate is dedicated to her. She's the catalyst. Being pregnant with her changed my life. But what I hope to pour into her is that she's enough. At every stage of life, through every choice, no matter the outcome, I want her to know that she’s loved, intelligent, worthy, capable, enough.
“I am constantly am spitting affirmations at her and asking her to say them, as well. She's 8 years old now. She's such an encourager. She is a lot like me. She's such a little advocate that if you say something mean to yourself in front of her, she's like, ‘Don't say that!’ She's a bundle of love. She makes my heart smile.”
Ta’lor shares three tips for tapping into self-love.
Spend more quality time with yourself. “Now, that's vague and broad, but it can look like many things. It could be journaling. It could look like actually talking to yourself and asking yourself how you're feeling: ‘What am I feeling today? What do I need today?’ It could be meditation. It could be prayer. We don't spend enough quality time with ourselves. When we think about love languages and quality time, we think about spending that with others. But how do you spend quality time with yourself? And what does that look like?”
Don't ignore red flags. “Because we're taught to people please, we tend to ignore red flags. If it doesn't feel right, it ain't right. Don't ignore it. Do something about it, whether that's setting boundaries, asking for help, sharing with that person how they're making you feel. If it's a big deal to you, it's a big deal.”
Play more. “There's a lot of heaviness in our world. As a social worker, I am tuned in as much as I can be. I care deeply about the horrible things that are happening in our world, and I want justice for those who are at the hands of people who abuse their power. But play, please play, whatever that means for you. I don't know what it is about us adults, but we think of play as this thing that's not important or valuable, or that’s a waste of time. Adults have depression and anxiety, and I do think that there's a correlation between [that] and the lack of play that we give ourselves permission to engage in. So go out, do karaoke, go to a sporting event, dance, sing out loud, spend time with your loved ones. Do something pleasurable that brings you joy, and do it often. Put it on your to do list like it's a meeting. Schedule it if you have to. But don't avoid play.”